I'm the type of person who invariably gets cold feet. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I'm shy and a pro "philosiphizer," as my friend Chrissy puts it. I replay scenarios in my head over and over again, questioning motives, analyzing statements, and dreading unpleasant outcomes. It's a drag that comes with being a certain breed of introvert.
My first night in Minnesota didn't spare me the throes of my personality and I hated myself for getting on the plane. As much as I loved the green-ness of the state, I didn't feel like I should be here. But knowing myself so well, I remembered a life lesson that I got when I went skydiving a couple years back: Stop thinking and jump! Below is a journal entry from Sunday, June 6, the night of my arrival. It's pretty raw.
"My mind is reeling from all the uncertainty in my heart, from all the questions in my mind. Do I really belong here? Will my roommates and I actually enjoy being roommates, or will we despise each other? Will my unit be accepting? Will I fit in with the other Summer III interns or will I play the outcast? I'm sure that Midwesterners have a preconceived idea about what a California girl is like...maybe something like Katy Perry...but I never fit anyone's mold. I've always felt like an outsider, and I usually don't mind it too much, because I know who I am and what I'm about. I'm a daughter of the Most High and I need no man's approval...but this could be a wretched summer being so far from everything I've ever known...At least, the Lord as my Rock, I'm not completely ungrounded...
"Lord, I feel like I shouldn't be here, like I'm here on a ruse and soon enough, my clinical coach and Mayo will find me out. Sure, I'm one of the 110 interns this summer, but I wasn't one of the original 110. I was one of the 25 who were wait listed. And then, with some turn of fate (aka the all-sovereign God of the universe pulled some providential strings), they called me on February 14th to say that they had an opening and wanted to offer me the job because I had "stood out to them because of the phone call" I made...one little phone call to ask what the likelihood of getting off the wait list and signed on for the summer actually was! (I was on Cloud Nine that day and it didn't occur to me why some of my friends were in such a dismal mood until halfway through the day when I realized that it was Valentine's Day. Silly me...)
"I'm not prepared to be here. All I want to do is isolate myself and that won't help the roommate situation. I don't feel like socializing...You know how hard this is after going through this past year. Plus, I'm dog-tired from traveling. Hopefully, my roommates will understand.
"God, do I belong here? I want to cry, my eyes are bursting. Do you really want me to be a RN? I don't know how it can be if I feel so utterly incompetent, so shamefully inadequate!
"Thank you for providing for me today--all the meals, smooth traveling, friendly people (like the guy who helped me carry my luggage to the townhouse this evening). Please help me rest well to socialize tomorrow. This time, this summer, is Yours."
Alyssa-When God sent me to Brazil (before TBS), I felt alone and outcast. I didn't connect with anyone there. My roommate was *ahem* a piece of work. I went through a health crisis, culture shock and intense homesickness BUT came home absolutely CHANGED because I had nothing and no one but God on which to depend.
ReplyDeleteIt was the most difficult, painful and lonely time of my life but I wouldn't change it for the world because God met me.