Silver Wings

Silver wings shining in the sunlight
Roaring engines headed somewhere in flight
They're taking you away and leaving me lonely
Silver wings slowly fading out of sight.
'Don't leave me,' I cry, 'Don't take that airplane ride'
But you've locked me out of your mind and left me standing here behind.

Merle was the first to sing "Silver Wings;" and a handful of other artists have recorded it over the years, too. Garrett Hedlund (from the above video) recorded it for the film Country Strong. The melody is sad, yet serene, and the lyrics are nothing short of simple poetry. I suppose it's been stuck on "Repeat" because the somberness fits my mood.

This last week, my heart shot up some walls to distance itself from some gnawing emotions. My mind was on a shuttle clipping up the 52. Then it was on silver wings blazing into the western sun. I've been trying to root out why I checked out and gave into this dullness. It's The embarrassing evidence is in my ascending the ranks from Space Cadet to decorated Galactic General. It's frustrating to see that I haven't been putting my all into work the last few shifts.

As the sun dawned this morning, the reason for this mood eluded me. Then this afternoon, with journal and pen in hand, I sat down on the swing outside our townhouse and started praying. (I write sometimes when I pray because it helps me sort through things. Plus, seeing it on a piece of paper adds a sense of permanence to my thoughts, more so than when I just think them. I don't do it because I think God takes them more seriously; I do it because I take them more seriously.)

Here's the first thing I realized: I'm clinging desperately to all of the good things about this summer because it's been so long since I've had this much fun, had time to explore and try new things, been affirmed for my work, and had things generally run smoothly. It was a realization that I was dreading any encounter with pain. Pain of separation from things and people I love. It would be nice if time would freeze around Week #8 because I wouldn't be considering with any weight the attachments here in Rochester that will be broken. Nor would I be considering the pain of leaving Grace EV Free (the people, the teaching), or the difficulty of finding a new church. Specifically, a body that knows it is a minister of the Gospel just as much as the pastors, a church whose teaching draws on the original context (including the author's intent) and prayerfully applies it to life. I'm not looking for a perfect church, just one who asks God to use the Sword to "divide soul and spirit, joints and marrow" (Heb. 4:12), and remembers that God's glorification is at the core of everything. Neither would I feel the impinging finality of spending at least two years of short vacations away from my family should I return to Rochester. Furthermore, I probably wouldn't be wondering about the caliber of new friendships or be silly enough to worry about everything else that could create any kind of pain. Basically, I'm gun shy, have a case of cold feet, and generally feel an alarming need for security.

The second realization is that now that I recognize the first realization, I can surrender it to the Lord. He has proven Himself to be faithful to His Word, specifically that he heals the brokenhearted and binds their wounds (Ps. 147:3). There's my security right there! Yup, might incur some wounds in a move out here, but I shouldn't be daunted because He is familiar with pain. He is more acquainted with pain than any other person and He knows more joy than anyone. He has inaugurated restoration. He is in the business of redeeming things that are lost, so I can trust that He will utilize any and all of my pain for His glory and my good. I'm reminded yet again that to fully appreciate something, I can't try to rush through it. I have to learn to sit in my own pain so that I can sit with others in their pain, in other words, bear the burden of another and share hope. 

Chances are (tongue in cheek) that God will make me a better nurse through the pain (have to add that part since my initial intent for this blog was to talk about my journey in nursing).

 This is another rendition by Josh Turner. Had to include it because I like his voice so much!