Conflicted Artist and Confounded Scientist

**Just to preface, this was written almost around the beginning of August. I just didn't post it. My feelings have changed, but I figured I'd still post it anyways.**

I'm twelve days away from California and maybe 28ish days from clinicals in a still-to-be-determined hospital. And in three days, some of the people in HR will be holding a meeting for those of us interns who are interested in future employment here. The reality of leaving Mayo, starting my fifth and final year of undergrad studies, and then entering into the world on my own is setting in BIG!

I feel like a kindergartener who feels pressured to stop using training wheels...Except now I'm almost 23 and maybe I should to drag out a toolbox and sort through all the wrenches and sockets and such, and start planning how I will take my training wheels off by graduation in May of this coming year. I've already considered the pros and cons of choosing between Minnesota and California to start off my career, and I can honestly say that I think I would be entirely content, and more probable, happy, living either place, especially if I find a solid church out here.

Now that I've got that of my chest, my next question has to do with what I value in life and about my scope of practice in nursing. To choose one location over the other is to sacrifice proximity with my blood family and my church family versus working at an institution where nursing seems like it's been boiled down into a science instead of an art. Every nursing student learns early on in their education how Florence Nightingale viewed the nursing profession: it is both an art and a science. It is an art in that it requires skill and coordination, in addition to the ability to individualize or adapt care to each patient. It is a science in that it deals with human physiology and how to impact it with different medicines and therapeutic interventions. Basically, I feel really conflicted right now.  I'm an artist and a scientist and to deny one of those facets of me feels treasonous on a psychological level. I don't want to choose between having my cake and eating it. I'm praying for a fresh perspective in the upcoming weeks...My feelings will probably...undoubtedly change by the time I finish typing this post because that's just the transient nature of emotions. My rational side will kick in, I'm sure of it.

In the mean time, though, I've been talking with my big brother and my mom--two people who know my disdain for making big decisions. They listen attentively, reflect back to me what they hear, and then quiet down. Their rationale, ever unspoken, is completely evident to me and reminds me that I'm a conflicted mess of emotions. I'm excited, hesitant, scared, awkward, and who knows what else inside about this next phase. They know I must make this decision on my own. They deny themselves the personal satisfaction of telling me what's best because they know that telling me what to do doesn't ever work. Plus, it's to my advantage that they let me squirm in the discomfort because it's practice for other big decisions I'll need to make. I'm grateful for them and their wise silence (even though it makes me squirm).

Crossroads Townhouse

Welcome to Crossroads!

 

Crossroads College is a tiny Christian college that Mayo is subsidizing and renting to Summer III's coming from out of town. It's hedged in by trees on all sides and has a smallish pond where you can catch glimpses of turtles and frogs. There's also a llama farm next door, too. (That part gets smelly on the plentiful hot, humid days.)

From what I've heard about the previous accommodations for S3's, it is much nicer and safer. Numerous co-workers have remarked to me about the other place being a "dump" and a very unsafe place..."A girl shouldn't walk alone over there" in that upper NE area of Rochester. To a girl who grew up in the suburbs of San Francisco and goes to college in Los Angeles, it's laughable. I think about my memories of sirens and the blue and red flashing lights surrounding the drug house down the street from my childhood home. I think of going into the Tenderloin of S.F. and seeing filthy souls dying on the sidewalk, lying under newspapers and men with PTSD hopping out of bushes and yelling at passersby. Then I think of the horrendous stories of some of my closest friends who grew up in inner-city L.A. Gunshots, drug busts, prostitution, holding a dying friend who got shanked in a parking lot. Crime is relative...To a predominantly upper middle class population, a few potheads, thefts, and beatings must seem scary.

Wow! That took a depressing turn, but then again, that's reality. Now, back to Crossroads...Below are a few pictures of the townhouse. There were six girls living in the townhouse, each with our own room, which provided enough privacy to do our own thing and get sleep when we worked different shifts. It had a living room, kitchen, bathrooms, and washer/dryer. I'm kinda embarrassed to show you just how bare my room is! I figured I'd forgo the frills for practicality. I could only take two pieces of checked luggage so, after considering my options, I thought clothes were more essential. I didn't count on spending too much time in my room, anyways!

The side of my townhouse.

My one window

The desk and chair where all the typing happens.

Closet

The Zumbro River parallels a lot of the trail system that goes past Crossroads. I like to run there because it's very peaceful and away from cars.

Silver Wings

Corn: It's What Grows Here

Before getting out here, I didn't really think about what kind of land Minnesota had. Since getting out here, I've actually been shocked by the miles and miles of corn stretching on either side of the highways. It's been neat to see the shoots hardly higher than my ankles grow into stalks 6 feet tall since I got out here. Another surprise to me when I first got out here occurred while watching the evening news. Instead of Nasdaq and Dow stock updates, the newscaster told me that the price of a bushel of corn had dropped. I think I tipped my head to the side and had to think hard about why that should matter to me. Amused, I remembered, that I was in the middle of ag USA. Of course, it matters to farmers how much their corn is selling for!

By now you've picked up on my fascination with this farming region that lilts my beloved country music from nearly every radio. While at a motocross race this past weekend with my clinical coach's husband, I jumped on the opportunity to ask some questions about Minnesota farming. I figured the man was born and raised in here so he should be a reliable source. (For this post, I checked the facts online.)

The top four major cash crops are, in order: corn (~50%), soy beans (~30%), wheat (~7%), and sugar beets (~5%).

Before you go on assuming that the corn is the sweet kind that you and I pick up at the farmer's market or local grocery store, let me tell you the truth. These rows of corn that stretch in every direction is field corn. It is used in plastics and a bunch of other manufactured products.

Soy beans grow around the southern parts, too. Then there's wheat and alfalfa. Potatoes grow in the sandier northern Minnesota soil. And sugar beats, used to make sugar, grow in the western parts.

Midwesterners are dutiful patriots compared to West Coasters. You won't struggle to find an American flag!

 

Triple Threat

Nope. We're not talking basketball here. We're talking 12 hours...1900-0700...times three nights in a row...This is what it looks like for a newb night shifter:

Night #1: piece of cake because coffee and grahams make me happy!

     Morning #1: can't sleep because it's too bright and there's a thunderstorm...watch a movie then read until 3 p.m. at which point I finally fall asleep for a couple hours before waking up again to get ready for work.

Night #2: feeling miserable but seeing friends on the unit energizes me a little. Rocky until midnight. A caramel latte fix and funky cafeteria scrambled eggs power me through till shift change.

     Morning #2: sleep like a baby until 2p.m. Call some friends and get ready for work.

Night #3: sit and stare sessions with patients and coach Natasha. laugh giddily at anything that is remotely stupid/accidental and not funny unless you are sleep-deprived. Delay all responses...laugh again about how delayed my reactions are...and continue laughing.

     Morning #3: I probably won't remember...carry me to my room and lay me down...Zzzzzzzz

Night #4 and next 2 days: Try to recover a normal sleep cycle.

Conclusion: Night shifts are rough on an insomniac and the night owl who can't stand sleeping away sunshine. It's perfect for students who need to study because of the extra lax downtime. The one thing that takes a little of the sting of working nights away is the added differential...I'm not entirely convinced, though...

A Cardiac Patient that Melts My Heart

Every once in a blue moon, I meet a patient whom I will never forget. They are the patients who make me smile heart and soul for years.

If I remember one patient from this summer, it will be a farmer and his country charm. He was a rapid recovery and we extubated within 3 hours of landing him on the unit. In between dozing and looking around the room to learn about his surroundings, we chatted. I learned that he was the hard-working type: up at 4 a.m. to read his morning paper and eat breakfast before sunrise so he could get to work. He had awakened right on time, even after the anesthesia/sedatives from his procedure. He was a man of few words, but his few words spoke volumes about the kind of man he is. He is peaceful and simple--appreciative of life and the "simple things," grounded in what he believes, humble, patient, polite, and respectful to all. His humble confidence and contentment were striking. Such qualities are rare in this country nowadays.

Around midnight his temporary pacemaker wasn't capturing. His heart paused for nearly 30 seconds and the episode repeated itself until the charge RN and Natasha solved the problem with a booster box (a device that gives extra juice to "jump start" the heart). With an endearing twang, he complained, "I feel like an ol' cow came up 'n' kicked me in the chest."  He asked what had happened in the middle of the night, but he was still too sedated to understand. He had called himself "just a dumb farmboy who don't know nothin.'"

His easy country manner was already making an impression on me, but when this strong, reserved man in his mid-fifties looked me in the eye and called me, "ma'am," my heart melted. If I'm completely honest, my initial reaction was shock. Am I old enough to be a ma'am? His expressions were sincere and his gratitude deep for mine and Natasha's kindness. The man was a man of rare calibre--a balance of strength and tenderness--who stands head and shoulders above most. His honest humility and respect were more refreshing to me than a midsummer's night breeze under a starry sky. I earnestly hope to be something like him: a soul that brings refreshment and inspiration.

Minnesota Mundane

That's a strange title for a post, but I bet it does a good job piquing your interest! It may or may not be a play on the words of a coworker who introduced me to the smokescreen of "Minnesota Nice" weather.

What could possibly be mundane about Minnesota? Because I'm only visiting Minnesota for the summer, you're probably better off asking a native Minnesotan who doesn't think everything is new and exciting. Since I'm the one blogging, I'll answer the question for you in my own little way: Nothing that wouldn't be considered mundane in California, too. Luckily, mundane for me equates with time well spent!

In my down time, I've been working on:

• scholarship applications for the upcoming (LAST!!!!!!!) school year. That means writing essays about what I want to do with my life, my goals, my dreams, who has inspired me, what character traits I value, how I think current legislation on health care reform will impact my nursing career, and why I think I'm the most special person who deserves to be considered for [fill in organization's name]'s scholarship and would really benefit from the help.
• reviewing ECG's, meds, and other things for the N-CLEX and, more importantly, so I can be a better nurse after graduation.
• reading Eric and Leslie Ludy's book, Wrestling Prayer. It's not so much a how-to book as much as it is a description of what God-honoring prayer is. Maybe once I finish that, I'll get around to reading a book that my Aunt Debbie lent to me around Christmastime last year, Little Bee by Chris Cleave. I'm surprised at how little I've actually read so far this summer because I normally would be on to my third or fourth book by this point.
• walking the magical woodsy trails of Rochester after sundown just to watch fireflies and wondering why fireflies light up. Are they "thinking" of something? Are they surprised? What are they reacting to??? During the day, there are rabbits and all kinds of colorful birds: cardinals, blue birds, robins, woodpeckers with red crests, house finches, orioles, indigo buntings...
• researching hospitals (and their communities) that I'm considering for the future: UCSF, UCLA, City of Hope, John Muir, Huntington Hospital, CHOC, CHLA, Pres Intercommunity Hospital, Standford, Johns Hopkins, Duke, and, of course, the Mayo Clinic. All top-notch institutions. Most in California, but some on the East Coast and one in Minnesota.
• thinking about goals for CNSA this upcoming school year.
• planning my Minnesota outings........



The Rio Grande is outside my door!



Notice the rain shooting out of the two drains on the townhouse and the "path" in the middle of the grass...it's really grass underneath all the runoff from the hill behind the townhouses. All of the asphalt is under 2+ inches of rain.

• And, today it has meant staring out the window in amazement as 3-5 inches of rain/hour has fallen from the sky for a solid 5 hours....That's at least how much of it I've been awake for. (That's more of a joke...I don't spend much time thinking about that even though it's incredible by my California standards.)

I think I'll stop there to spare you from the really mundane!